WARNING: The following journal entry is a rant that I wrote while I was in class. Don't read if you don't care.

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It's who I am. There's nothing that anybody can do to change that. It was what I did and it will forever define me. I used to cut myself and even though I have stopped, the idea to do it will always be there. I have considered doing it lately but all I can think about is how I would fail myself if I did it and also how the whole year of not cutting will have gone to waste. But maybe nobody has to know. Why do I have to tell someone when I cut myself? I have no obligations to tell people when I am depressed or thinking about hurting myself. Besides, if I tell someone then I will just be sent back to therapy and probably back home. It is as if I don't cut because I fear the repercussions of the outside world. One cut doesn't have to lead to another and I was never the kind of person to cut everyday. I just cut when things got too much for me to handle. And why do my friends have to know? Telling them will just lead to pain for everyone. I know hurting myself hurts others. But how can it when nobody knows? Keeping my mouth shut in high school and the beginning of freshman year in college hurt no one but me. I was the only one who knew and my parents were completely oblivious to my pain. I don't get why I don't just hurt myself. Maybe I don't know how to balance my past and my future. I put myself down by remembering the past but then I consider bringing it forward into my future and I consider it highly. I think I do this because it's something that made me feel comfortable and somewhere inside me I still find it a comfort. Because it was the only thing that I had control over. And with everything that is going on in school and socially, I feel like I am losing control.All I can do is my best and pray. I know hat going to community college is not such a horrible thing. It's the idea of going from a four year college to a community college. It makes me feel like a complete idiot. The fact that I might be demoted intellectually and educationally makes me feel like I have no reason to be in school. Maybe I should just give up. Dropping out and making a living at a dead-end job or maybe working for mommy and daddy would be the best that I can do.